Water, water everywhere! -- Samuel Coleridge, "The Rime of the Ancient Mariner"
I guess the first step is admission: I have a drinking problem. There, I said it.
You see, I read Mike Harts recent post about the importance water and I took it to heart. So all day in preparation for last nights game at SUNY I drank ungodly amounts of H2O. I had a big jug on my desk and poured copious amounts of water down my throat. By noon, my footsteps were accompanied by sloshing sounds, as if I were rolling around a half-empty keg. I felt bloated, my stomach painfully distended. I went to the bathroom every twelve minutes. But still: I drank, and drank, and drank. For I feared deadly dehydration, checking myself every half hour for signs of "unresponsiveness." No more so than usual, I noted with relief.
By the time I had to leave for SUNY, I had gained 19 pounds. My face, feet, and ankles were frightfully swollen. But I was fully hydrated. I was going to be okay, even in this heat. I quickly checked my bat bag: cleats, glove, bats, anti-anxiety medicine, sunscreen, homemade defibrillator, emergency medical blanket, salt tablets, mace, shark repellant, floss, and several gallon-jugs of water. Should be okay.
Before getting in the car I peed again, voluminously. Actually, spectacularly, like a fire hose; I could have put out a warehouse fire. I considered contacting the people at Guinness Book of World Records. But pressed for time, I instead drove to SUNY, twice forced to pull over on the side of the road to pee. I eased into the parking lot at 5:30. Just as the heavens cracked, lightning flashed, and the rains came down in cats, dogs, hippopotamuses, rhinos. The field was in ruins within five minutes. Puddles everywhere, I needed an inflatable dingy to get back to my car. Fortunately, I had one in my bat bag.
Naturally, we cancelled the game. One of the guys asked if I wanted to catch a beer at Sutters. No, I declined, Ive given up drinking.
Really? I didnt realize you had a drinking problem.
I sure do, I confessed, thanks to Mike Hart. Let me tell you, hydration is definitely overrated. Now if you'll excuse me, I've got to pee."
By the way, all of the apostrophes and some interior quotation marks were dropped when this post was translated to the bulletin board. Weird. I mean, who cares, but we do like to keep up appearances of basic competency.
one of the little known advantages of drinking lots of water - really hydrating - is that you become funny as robin williams on a good day. in between pees, that is.
way to go, jim.
now, if you'll excuse me, i'm off to wa - waterolics anonymous. but not before i toast jim. here's a bottle of saratoga clear to you, jim!
